A list of things I almost said

To the stranger on the metro, who was crying very quietly and trying not to: "are you alright?" I did not say it. The metro is not a place where one says such things, and I did not want to make the crying public by acknowledging it. I have thought about her, on and off, for two years.

To the colleague who took credit for an idea that was, demonstrably, mine: "that was my idea." I did not say it. I said, instead, "yes, exactly — building on that." The cost of saying that was my idea was, on that day, much higher than I could afford. The compound interest is, however, slowly catching up.

To my father, in 2014: "you are wrong about this, and I am going to do it anyway." I did not say it. I did it anyway, without saying it, and we have, ever since, both pretended that the conversation we did not have was the one that decided it.

To my father, in 2023: "I am sorry I did not say it." I did not say this either.

To the boy at the chai stall who has been making my chai for nine years and who knows that I take it without sugar and with extra ginger and that I will, by 11:15, want a second one: "what is your name?" I have not yet said this. I am still building up to it. I have been building up to it for, now, nine years.